Need opinions

[Ashbys]

Sorry I have not been very active lately , but I have had a lot of different tasks taking place. But one that is most interesting , is one that I was asked to do for Memorial day.

It is a 4 ft x 8 ft granite memorial and I have been given free design. Well anyway what I need is your opinion about something I wrote for the memorial. I was going to use Flanders fields, but I thought It should cover more than just from WWI and WW II so I worte this.

Mother do not weep for me.
I stood for freedom and liberty
I stood against others ternary
I care not for what other see
For you will always be free.
Because of these men I called my brothers

We answered our countries call,
So proud we were one and all.
We never thought we would fall
Even as we saw ,
Those who gave their all
These men I called my brothers

These honored men ,
Buried in this land
Have stood together to be
the blinders of Liberty
These men I called my brothers

Here now were at rest
There lies the best
Those that hold up the crest
May God grant us eternal rest.
These men I called my brothers.

Do you think it is ok ? For a military memorial ?

Garry

[slivers&dust]

I think your text "poem" is great Garry
Are you going to share the graphics too??

From our conversation this sounds like it will be one awesome memorial can't wait to see it.

[Eddy-Smiles]

There won't be a dry eye in the house! Beautiful poem. Very appropriate.

[David Bethune]

I just sent you a private message..

[Ashbys]

Thanks All,

Tony , I am not sure how this will look on a jpeg but here is the present center of the memorial.

Eddie , thank you.

David ,
Thanks .

The outer edges will be scenes from the Rev war to today in Iraq.

Garry

[jillsy]

Well Ash, after just getting over the flu, thanks for giving me more chills!

Only thing I found: the fourth line down should be "others" (plural).

[Joy]

Yes, it will be a fitting memorial.

Some punctuation errors crept in on this email....but I'm sure the original is fine.

Be sure to show us the end result.

[AlArchie]

Ash your poem seems very fitting! Now, I hate to be the grammar and spelling cop, but on third line down; others should be possessive (other's) and "tyranny" not ternary . Seventh line down, countries should also be possessive, either country's (singular) or countries' (that's the plural possessive if you meant to include other country's heroes).

Line 16, did you mean "blinders" or should that be binders?

Al

[BobD]

Garry...if you want to e-mail the final to me before you etch it, I'll proof it one last time!!!
Duncan@foxchapelpublishing.com

Bob

[Ashbys]

Thanks all,

Al ,
Yes I was correcting all the nice spelling errors, corrected the lines , grammer, and changed it slightly to make it flow a bit better.
Bob Thanks , but by now everyone should know I never finalize anything without proffing it at least 3 times, and then letting someone else read it.

The poem was the first pass draft. But I needed to know if it fit well. And I know you all are great at looking not only for the idea , but also for the context. Here is the finial , yet to be proofed and accepted .


Mother do not weep for me.
I stood for freedom and liberty
I stood against others tyranny
I care not for what other’s see
For you will always be free.
Because of these men I called my brothers

We answered our country’s call,
So proud we were, one and all.
We never thought we would fall
even as we saw ,
those who gave their all.
These men I called my brothers

These honored men ,
buried in this land
Have stood together to be
the binders of liberty.
These men I called my brothers

Here now, we lie.
under bright and stormy skies.
Holding up the crest
May God grant us eternal rest.
These men I called my brothers.

Garry Mckinney