[Irish]

So my sister Forwarded this one too! Please feel free to add your own Life Truths here ...


1. If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it will always be yours.
If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messus up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free ....
You either married it or gave birth to it.

2 My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

3. The nice part about living in a small town - when you don't know what you are doing someone else always does.

4. The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

5. Amazing ... You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes.

Susan

[santagibbs]

Here's another good saying that someone said to me many years ago...
" If something is wild , you have to turn it loose and let it go... or it will scratch you to death.!" Charlotte

[whitecree]

At Xmas time, no mater how lavishly you give, you will always get, in return-

• a pair of socks
  bath salts
  a book about earwax collections

[BobD]

Don't forget a scented candle, WC!

And don't forget that the amount of traffic is inversely proportional to the amount of spare time you have!

Bob

[wade clark]

One sure way to forget all your troubles is to hit your thumb with a hammer! You'll forget every problem in the world...except one small one! It's amazing something so close, personal and ...small...can take your mind off everything else! You don't think "Man, I've got to get over this so I can go pay bills" but rather, "Man, I'm going to die from the pain!"
Wade

[Kenny_S]

Pee against the wind!

Don't ask me How I know!

[Nancy-ID]

Well Susan started it

A Very Short Story


Man driving down road.
Woman driving up the same road.
They pass each other.
The woman yells out the window, PIG!
Man yells out window, _ I T C H!
Man rounds next curve.
Crashes into a HUGE PIG in middle of road and dies.

Thought For the Day: If only men would
listen

[Nancy-ID]

To All The Girls


When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied. Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.
You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants and assume "The Stance."
In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance."
To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs shake more.
You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday-the one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible.
It's still smaller than your thumbnail.
Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet. "Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late.
Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper- not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get."
By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too. At this point you give up.
You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.
You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women, still waiting. You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this." As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used and left the men's rest-room. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?"
This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public rest-room (rest??? you've got to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked questions about why women go to the rest-room in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door!

[Kenny_S]

Heck fire Nancy, Ya could pull over to the next dirt road like my dear departed Aunt use to do. When she had to go, It wasn't a travel down the road a mile thing for her. It was, " Stop this damn car now' as she was opening the car door.

Yep I know, Y'll didn't want to hear that, but then, it is Nancy-CA's fault, hehehehehehehehe

[Ron Davidson]

Thanks but a little more detail than I needed. You think that is bad try finding a urinal or toilet blind. The worst one for me was Sky Harbor in Phoenix I felt like a mouse in the bottom of a five gallon bucket looking for a urinal or toilet finally gave up and held it until my back teeth were floating. I got to thinking how would I know how filty it was.My guess was it was pretty bad. As far as washing my hands never could find those stupid sensors gave up and carry a bottle of hand sanitizer. So I try and avoid public restrooms as much as possible.
Ron